I couldn't sleep tonight, so I thought that by writing out all my thoughts it might clear my head. I have a heavy heart tonight. As Jonny and I were getting ready to go to sleep, I wanted to check a friends caring bridge site. I knew her son had been in the emergency room getting some fluids and stuff and I wanted to make sure he was ok. To my surprise, I found out that he wasn't going to make it. What!?! This was such a shock to me because we saw him about a month ago and he was doing good. He was getting ready to start a different kind of treatment and they sounded positive.

I turned to Jonny and told him that he wasn't going to make it. I read outloud the blog post and I could barely make it through. We both just wept because our minds automatically took us to a place we avoid. We both put ourselves in their shoes. So many emotions struck me all at once. I am so so sad for the family. I intentionally avoid the thought of losing Emma, because the pain of just thinking it is so unbearable. And then I feel guilty for thinking it because I believe with all of my heart that God has healed her, and the cancer will NEVER come back. Then I get angry because I still do not understand why these kids have to suffer so much. I still get angry everytime Emma get sick because she has been through so much and does not deserve to feel bad. She is supposed to be playing and having fun. They are innocent and sweet and should not have to feel like this.

After we wept for a while and prayed, Jonny and I talked about how we were feeling. It was nice to talk about things again because everytime we do, it changes or heart more and more. We talked about how we both got frustrated with Emma today, and how we both feel incredibly guilty. We feel guilty because we both just lost our patience over nothing! I discovered that the reason I feel so guilty leaving Emma, even if it's just for a few hours, is because I am afraid if we do lose her I will have missed spending that time with her. Which seems so silly, but it is how I truly feel. Even though I believe God has healed her, the devil seems to take me back to that place where I doubt. And takes away the incredible peace God has given me. Even if its just for a second, its a second too long.

After we settled down a little bit, we both went into Emma's room and kissed her sweet little cheek and told her that we loved her. I can't wait for her to wake up in the morning so I can kiss those little lips and enjoy our time together.

It is amazing how God speaks to us, even if it is in sad situations like this. Jonny and I realize that we are going to experience situations like these for the rest of our lives. It may be other families or it may be ours. We are not guaranteed anything in life! But it is how we handle the situations that matter. God has called Jonny and I to do something great! We are not sure what it is exactly, but I know it involves the kids and families that are going through the same thing we are.

Thank you for listening to me tonight! Please pray for the Caywood family. They know that God has the situation under control and that their son will no longer be in pain. Pray for their young daughter and her understanding of the situation.

Also pray:

Emma to start feeling better. She has been nauseas a lot and still has VRE. We should have some test results tomorrow to see if the VRE has left her system. She has also lost her appetite quite a bit and lost a little bit of weight.

NO more side effects (short term or long term)

Continued remission

The end of her treatment is late April, pray that everything goes as scheduled so she can start living a normal 1 year olds life.

Pray for Jonny and I. Pray for strength to get through the end of the treatment and to ALWAYS remember that God is in control no matter what.

Home

Emma was discharged yesterday from the hospital, and did wonderfully with the chemo. She was so happy to be home and play with all of her toys. She didn't have much of an appetite in the hospital, and didn't last night either. She woke up this morning sick and vomited first thing. We gave her some nausea meds and she has been sleeping all morning. I'm going to try to keep her asleep most of the day so she doesn't have to feel bad : (

Please Pray:

For Emma's nausea to go away

NO MORE side effects from the chemo (short term or long term)

Day 1 In the hospital

Emma was admitted today for her last in-patient treatment. Although we are very excited to get it over with, we are completely wiped out from the long day! We knew it would be a challenge to keep Emma occupied, but Jonny and I are exhausted. Since she is constantly walking around the room and the halls, it is our job to chase her around with the IV pole. And Emma doesn't give us any warning when she takes off, she just goes : ) We have decided to take shifts so we can each have a break. We would have more visitors, but because of the weather it makes it dangerous to travel. But her Nana and Gramps came up for about an hour today to visit. That was nice!

Emma has completed her first chemo for the day and will be on a rescue drug for 4 hours and then fluids all night. This will clear all of the chemo out of her system so it won't damage anything. Emma usually tolerates this chemo very well, except it will probably make her hair fall out again. I don't mind her little bald head, but I'm so ready to do her hair in pigtails : )

I think we are going to all turn in early tonight! Goodnight everyone!

Walking Days!

Emma is officially a walker! And is very good at it. She just decided to take off one day and hasn't stopped going. We love it! She is also talking non-stop which is just so much fun to hear. She says a lot of words that we recognize, but sometimes she just babbles. She knows what she is talking about, but nobody else can understand. She has blossomed so much in the past month or so. She is doing something new every single day.

She made her first visit to incredible pizza and had a blast. It was very scary for mommy though because of all the germs, and I literally followed her around with hand sanitizer : ) I know she was getting annoyed, but she would stop playing and let me sanitize. I don't think we will be going back there until she is done with treatment because it was too stressful on me : )

She was going to admit into the hospital today for her last visit, but she didn't make counts so we will try again thursday. We are so ready for this chemo to be over and do not want anymore delays. But she does get 4 days of rest from chemo, which is a praise. She is still having a hard time eating most solids, but has some favorites. She loves cheese, popcorn (the white cheddar flavor), captain crunch with berries, apples and peanut butter (she loves to dip dip dip). And when she dips, she has to say "dip, dip, dip." So precious!

After this 5 day stay, she will have chemo through mid-april at home and at the clinic. And then we are finished!! She will still have frequent clinic visits for blood counts, and she will have to leave her central line in for several months after, but no chemo! The doctor told us that the first year is the most risky year for relapse. I was not prepared to hear that, but I have complete faith in God that he has healed Emma and she will NOT relapse.

Please pray:

Emma have a restful and relaxing break from chemo

She will make counts on thursday so she can admit on friday for her last in-patient chemo

No side effects from chemo (short-term or long-term)

Strength for our family to finish this treatment out

Pray for our new baby(for their health and development) Due date is August 21

Getting Caught Up!

Sorry it has been so long since I have blogged. Things have been quite crazy for our family the past few weeks, and it is nice to be able to sit down and do this. Emma's Great-Uncle John passed away unexpectedly on November 19. It has been very hard on the family and always will be. He was an amazing man who touched each and every one of our lives in a different way. We will miss him so much! It has definetly made us appreciate eachother so much more and not take our family and friends for granted.

Emma has been doing so great! She had a spinal on monday, which made her a little nauseaus. She had to stay about an hour longer so they could run fluids to make sure she didn't dehydrate. She was a little out of it the rest of the day, but by Tuesday she was her normal self. She will continue to do daily and weekly chemo treatments thru April. She has a five day stay coming up mid-January, and then is done after that. We are so ready for this all to be over and get back to normal!!!

Emma is cruising around the furniture like a pro now, and crawls so fast. She has started to stand on her own, but has not taken that first step yet. I'm hoping it will be soon! She has 7 teeth now and is saying some words. She says, "cracker", "night night", "cat", "hi". She also says mama and dada and knows exactly who we are. She can do the baby sign more if she sees something she wants too. She is such a joy in our lives and we enjoy each and everyday with her. If Emma is around, we are always laughing. Her new best friends are her cousins Rachel and Hannah. And her cousin Matthew is trying to teach her how to say Bueno : )

On another note, Jonny and I found out that we are going to have another baby in August. We were not planning on this, but are very excited. Emma is going to be a great big sister! She has no clue what we are talking about when we talk to her about it, but once the baby gets here she will know : )

Please pray:

The Griffis family (Great Uncle John's family)

No side effects from chemo (short term or long term)

Emma continues to stay in remission FOREVER!

A restful week for our family

A long 5 days!

Emma has comleted 4 days of chemo and will finish tomorrow and be discharged in the early afternoon. She has done very well and has had no side effects. Her IVIG infusion was great and she didn't have a reaction. They will be doing blood work tomorrow to check all of her counts to make sure she is good to go. We will still keep her in the house most of the time because of the flu, but the dr. said that she is as protected as she can be. She will start her neupegen shots on thursday to help boost her white count.

We are so excited to go home! Emma gets 2 weeks with no chemotherapy and then she will start up again with 7 weeks of outpatient. 5 of those weeks she receives an oral chemo which is taken at home everyday. This chemo usually doesn't cause her to be sick, it's more of an inconvenience because she has to take it before bed on an empty stomach. Well, she is used to getting a bottle at bedtime so we have had to move some things around. Whatever works I guess.

On a different note, Jonny's uncle John Griffis is still in a medically induced coma at presbyterian hospital. The doctor's have done all that they can do and said that the swelling in John's brain needs to come down. We had an awesome prayer with family and friends, and believe that God can still perform a miracle in John! We continue to pray throughout the night for a complete healing of John, just like he did in Emma. God is Good and he will be with us through it all.

Everyone remember to tell your family and friends how much you love them on a daily basis! Stay close to your family and friends, but most of all, stay close to God.

Please pray for:

John Griffis

John's family, pray that God will give them peace

Emma's last day of chemo

No side effects, short or long term

She will stay in remission

A restful 2 weeks off of chemo

Emma's chemo and Great Uncle John

As Emma was being admitted for her 5 day in-patient chemo treatment, her great uncle John Griffis was across the walkway at Presbyterian Hospital being treated for a head trauma. He was roofing saturday morning and fell off the ladder and hit his head. Luckily his son was there and called 911. He was rushed to the emergency room where he underwent surgery and was stable. After the CT scan this afternoon they realized that there is still bleeding and swelling of the brain. He is currently in a coma and they will repeat the CT scan tomorrow morning to see if there has been anymore damage. Our family gathered around his bed this afternoon and had a healing service. We are praying for a complete healing of John's body. Please pray that he fully recovers from this. Pray for his family who have very heavy hearts right now and are still in shock. It is not easy to see your family member in that condition. Pray that God gives them a peace in this situation. God has already given our family one miracle and we are ready for another one!!

Emma is on day 2 of chemo and is doing very well. She has had no side effects from the chemo and is now receiving an IGIV transfusion to help boost her immune system. This is a 6 hour transfusion and can have the same reactions as a blood transfusion or platelet transfusion. She is 2 hours into it and so far so good! She is getting extremely restless in the hospital because she is not able to crawl around and cruise on the furniture here. She has a catheder and is hooked up to fluids, so she can only go so far without risking pulling those out. She will have 3 more days of chemo and is scheduled to go home on wednesday. Please pray that she continues to have NO side effects from the chemo here or at home. Pray that the Lord protects her brain and organs from long term side effects from the chemo. Pray for a restful stay at the hospital for Emma and our family.